it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You smell like stripper and shame
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
