i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
