two words: eviction party
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
