You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
BRING THE BAGELS
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
