I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
