My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
When are your genitals available?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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