why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
