I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
