Hey man sorry I got all grabby
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
