can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
