i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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