I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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