even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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