I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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