if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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