Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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