I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
