Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
