Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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