Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
