what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
