this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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