I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
