i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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