I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
