i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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