So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
me + whiskey = a bad person
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
