you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
