youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
