A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
