the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
