paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
