I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
