you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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