the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize