my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
