piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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