I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
