Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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