It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting