At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
