since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I could fuck to npr.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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