sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
