I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
