im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
