my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
