So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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