I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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