Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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