Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Randomize
