Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
