You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
