dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
