If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
