I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
