dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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