the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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