My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
