There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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