I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
