he told me I talked like a deaf person
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
